Not sure what it is with our little town, but we see mushrooms that we've never seen before. Could it be the old soil? The old wood on the old houses? The old trees that tent our streets and blanket us in moisture?
Though I wanted to share all of these pretty mushrooms that we've found, I also wanted to share being old. I know I'm not old. But when I turned 25 earlier this month, I felt like a switch went off and suddenly I am reminiscing about the past more than I ever have. Perhaps it's because I can look back and 10 years ago I was 15. It doesn't feel that long ago. I remember my emotions, how I was feeling, who my friends were, the things I did... I remember the songs that I listened to and how they made me feel. I remember the girls I looked up to and I'm glad that some of them are still my friends today. I remember the boys I had crushes on and the boys that never knew I existed. I remember always wanting to be like my brother, social and always out with friends. I remember my favorite outfits that made me feel confident and my terrible hairstyle choices. I remember the first boy to make me feel loved and the first boy to show me that he really didn't love me.
It's not school that I miss - I'd rather be working at the museum rather than worrying about assignments. It's not that time of my life that I miss - I'm happiest going home to S and Mordechai knowing that just their presence, the smiles, the laughs, all give me comfort. Quite honestly, I'm not sure what it is that I miss, but I have a wreaking nostalgia when I look back to photos or read past journal entries. Was that really me? It feels like a different life, and at the same time it feels like it wasn't that far away.
A few friends and I have chatted about this and they say welcome to the quarter-life crisis and that it's totally normal when you turn 25. If this what happens at 25, I don't think I want to grow up anymore. What happens at 30? 35? 40? Instead of spending my evenings reading a new novel or writing in my journal, I'm pouring over my stacks of old journals. I'm reading my teenage years like a young adult novel, chronologically. I'm wasting my present nose-deep in my past. I have all of my most embarrassing moments written down, my most treasured AIM conversations printed, my most romantic movie date ticket stubs, and because of that, I think indulging in a little personal history, personal growth, personal reflection, just might help me get over this obsession with the past. At least I hope. Come save me if I start reading my old LiveJournal entries.
it gives me a child joy when i find mushrooms. they're so cute by the way.
ReplyDeleteoh tell me about it. I had a slight anxiety when i was about to turn 25. but now i am 25, i often forget that i am actually 25 now. hhhaa. but i still have that strange feeling - like 25 is really old, that really after 24 you'll be getting to 30 faster that it should be. hhhaaa. i also think about all the things and all that i've done in my life more often than before. it's like my time limit to achieve some kind of goal is almost up. but we'll make it through, won't we?
we'll definitely make it through. i've quickly gone from being nostalgic to being content. i remembered an old song lyric, "born to blossom, bloom to perish" and there are so many things like life that have a shorter timespan than we do. now, i feel like i've got so much life to live, as long as i make sure to live it, and not get sucked into the past (too much). xo
DeleteThey are so pretty! My backyard grows mushrooms like crazy in fall!
ReplyDeleteMelanie @ meandmr.com
it's winter still in florida so i haven't seen this many since fall. i do miss them and their strange looks, like little creatures in the grass.
DeleteOh, do I hear you. I had such anxiety about turning 25, and then 26. And honestly it's been all downhill from there in terms of birthdays. The joy has been totally sapped the older I get, haha. I still feel 16, and, like you said, can still clearly recall the exact emotions of that age. Not that I would want to trade places with my 16 year old self, but every time I do something "adult" like deal with my taxes or my 401k, I think, "teenagers shouldn't have to do these things!" ...And then I'm reminded that I'm 28. Oof. Oh, and some friendly advice: DO NOT GO NEAR YOUR LIVEJOURNAL ENTRIES. I made that mistake a year or two ago and nearly DIED of embarrassment. Don't do it. Ignorance is bliss! ;) xo
ReplyDeletei'm really glad i'm not the only one. who knew 25 would be so emotionally significant? and i totally know what you mean by still feeling 16! and i'm happy to say that i've proudly avoided my livejournal haha. but i still went through my old photobucket for some photos and boy, was that a timewarp.
DeleteIt's a weird process getting older. I find that I still kinda feel like I am 17. Still wandering through life wondering what I should be doing with myself.... yet I'm 28 this year!! Shouldnt I have it figured out yet!?! haha. Do you ever really figure it out? Maybe life's just rolling with the punches. Sounds like you have so many things to look back on your teen years with though! I didn't journal or save anything and honestly there are only a few memories left in my ol noggin!
ReplyDeleteAs far as my home yoga goes I find getting into my "yoga gear" right when I get home from work instead of my pyjamas (subtle difference, I know!) helps as well as saying out loud, "I have a yoga class at 8". If I had paid for a class your damn sure I wouldn't miss it so I try to think of my home yoga session as a "class". Sounds silly but it does help when I'm feeling lazy. I also set the mood with a dark room (my kitchen lol) with a candle.
i think i've hit all that milestones that i'm personally ready for (i.e. kids - i'm not there yet!) so now i'm in this lull like, what's next? just looking forward to the next country or city i've never been to now!
Deleteand thank you for the yoga tip! i think i'm going to perhaps schedule yoga in my work calendar bc that would definitely make me feel like it is structured! i love setting the mood idea too - maybe i can burn some incense and/or oils and make it feel all new age in the house ;)
I think the biggest misconception that I had about getting older is that you actually feel that much older. I still feel so close to my 16 year old self. I think partly because it's such a milestone, it when you start becoming an adult in many ways. But you still have so many luxuries of being a kid. I think what I miss (ironically because i hated it then) is teenage angst. Oh how I miss the days when I could just linger in melancholy and feel sorry for myself - stay up late indulging in it writing poetry and writing in my journal, listening to sad music. I think welcoming those feelings is actually important. But, now, even when I feel I need to do that, it isn't nearly as fun! Especially when you have to get stuff done and you are old enough to know that simply indulging in those feelings isn't enough - you have to do something about them! xoxo
ReplyDeleteoh dear - you said it perfectly, "teenage angst." the emotions back then were so much more alive! i loved lingering in emotions, the bad ones, and listening to certain songs back then. it's those songs to this day that i can hear and get taken back to whatever situation had me upset back then. and you're right, nowadays i can't skip work when i'm feeling melancholy, i have to put on a smile while i chat with a bride and groom who are planning their wedding with us haha. but, it's also forcing yourself out of your melancholy that makes it that much easier to get over these days. your wisdom is so wonderful to have here xo
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