Never Bored

 

I think about all these extra hours at home this year. I didn't expect to so openly embrace being a hermit. I love going out to restaurants and bars, and this year we're taking a break from going out, and instead we're just ordering food to-go. Now that I've been home so much, I like being a homebody, and I can see myself staying home a lot in 2021, too. 

When my tater tot was first born, I would wait until she fell asleep at 7pm or 8pm and then I would go meet up with friends while S stayed home. Some nights I would stay out late, even though my girl was still going to wake me up early the next day. I didn't mind going out late even if it meant less sleep. I didn't want to miss out on any of my daughters waking hours, and I didn't want to change up her bedtime routine by not being there. Part of me probably also felt really guilty; I wanted to be a mom - I *chose* to be a mom - why should I miss out on any of her waking moments? I ended up finding what worked best for me and my own balance of being there for my daughter, and still enjoying going out with friends. (Going out on dates with my husband, well - that is still something we haven't found much time for these past few years, but I hope that will change once we move). 

But back to all this time at home... With my daughter, life isn't boring. There's always something new I can show her, or that she can show me. There's silly actions that she surprises me with, and lots of playing pretend. I love being silly with her and laughing at the funny moments with her dad. I love being able to chat with my husband about the new things she's doing, the new words she's learned, or the ways in which we see her own personality coming out. While playing, caring, cooking, cleaning can all be so mentally exhausting by day's end, leaving me too tired to pick up a book and read... it gives me so much fulfillment. And while people say that about having kids, I never really knew what they meant until I've experienced it. 

Overall, I think this pandemic would have been harder without her. While it's incredibly hard with her, keeping her home more/no playdates/no museums/worrying about her health... it would have been harder to be in a ball of worry and anxiety without her to keep me motivated. Honestly, it's because of her that I'm more motivated to stay off my phone and not doom scroll, and because of her I'm motivated to enjoy the small things that we can together like Christmas decorations, baking cookies and cooking together, lighting Hanukkah candles and opening presents. I've stayed motivated to my own little bits of self care (less phone, more reading, more knitting, more cooking). And while it's taken me six months to finish one book (it's a LONG book!), I'm inspired to be the best version of me that I can be in order to keep her spirits up through this tough year.

And if that's the only thing I've accomplished this year, then to me it's enough.